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Our social skills are in need a tune-up. I’ve touched on this topic before, but I feel an update with additional thoughts and observations is in order. When we find ourselves immersed in conversation with others who may have MS or other health conditions, it can be a normal reaction to jump in and “hijack” the conversation based on our own experiences. 

For the most part, we all mean well and don’t mean to cause harm, but it’s important to understand the difference regarding being relatable, empathetic, and compassionate, versus interjecting or interrupting conversations with your own stories too soon. I call this conversational hijacking. There’s a time and place for your stories or experiences to be told and there’s also a time and place where your role should be to focus on the other person – listen, read, and let them speak. 

Think about your words

Listening is key and it’s hard for a lot of us to do. It takes practice. When the time calls for your input or if you are asked point-blank to interject, then do so. Just don’t make things all about yourself or try to “one up” the other person who is telling their story in the first place. 

Think about your words. Are you dismissive or affirmative? Do you tend to make your point of view more important than others? We sometimes think we understand the road they’re traveling, but instead, we grab the wheel and hit the gas. Remember, don’t judge another person’s story by the chapter you happened to walk in on.

I see conversational hijacking on a regular basis – especially on social media. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of interjecting comments based on my own experiences or sharing MS research and other data even though I wasn’t asked to provide it. In doing so, I never meant any harm, but in hindsight, I’ve noticed this way of interaction with people is not always taken well and not always productive. Whether it be on social media, phone calls, group chats, or in person gatherings, a lot of us with MS can’t help interrupting because of the cognitive issues many of us struggle with. 

“I get really excited!”

I’ve been trying to work on managing and improving my own interruptive habits, but it’s very hard to do sometimes. Whenever I hear someone say something that strikes a relevant chord, I’m often inclined to interject, speaking before it’s my turn because I’m afraid I might forget what I wanted to say. I’ve been called on the carpet for interrupting and even accused of being rude whenever I would accidentally “hijack” a conversation. All I could do was apologize and feel somewhat embarrassed, but still didn’t know how to explain why I did this. Then a friend of mine posted this meme quote on FaceBook that I could relate to:

“I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited!” 

I’ve also found myself on the receiving end of conversation hijackers constant and it’s not a pleasant experience. However, those experiences made me more aware of my own habits and what I could do to improve. 

Old habits are hard to change, I’m still a work in progress, but it’s okay. The cognitive issues that go along with MS make it even more of a struggle. Some of the tips and tools that have helped me focus more on being a supportive, empathetic listener (reader) with others in our MS community (and beyond) are listed here:

Tips and tools
 

• Listen. Unless you are asked for specific input, try not to interrupt.
• Validate what the other person is saying.
• Ask questions for clarity if needed – communication is key.
• Take notes if needed to stay on track.
• Keep a pad and pen or pencil at hand for conference calls, personal calls, and in person meet-ups. 
• Try to stay on point, on topic with your conversations to avoid veering off track (again, taking notes help with this). This applies to social media posts and comments too.
• Don’t try to “one up” another person’s experience or issue. Maybe you can relate to something another person is going through, but use caution with your choice of words so as not to hijack their original thoughts or feelings.
• Refrain from unsolicited advice or fear-mongering verbiage. Always try to think of the reader or listener first – He or she is probably looking for support and answers without confusion. 
• Do feel free to be open and share experiences or information when you can relate to something, a symptom, or a new diagnosis. But don’t be dismissive as to what the other person is going through. You might have a few more MS miles under your belt, but still, you are not walking in their shoes. 
• Be supportive, compassionate, and empathetic. Offer additional resources or information if the time calls for it and if the other person asks. Don’t assume your input is the right input. Remember, unsolicited advice is not always taken well. In fact, it can sometimes be an upsetting turn-off. Take the time to know and understand who your audience is before offering such advice. 
• Venting. Remember to be careful who you vent to. A listening ear can also be a running mouth. Social media raises this to a whole other level. 
• Sometimes, not saying anything at all is the best answer. You see, silence can never be misquoted, demeaning, or harmful. Sometimes we need someone to just be there. Not to fix anything, or to do anything, but just to let us feel that we are listened to, acknowledged, and supported. Sometimes not saying anything at all can also be educational and enlightening when we’re not thinking about what we’re going to say next.

If you find yourself displaying the habits of a conversational hijacker, you might want to think about brushing up on your own listening skills and stop making things about yourself over the other person. With all this being said, keep yourself open to helping someone else. You might be the only one who does.