Life with MS

Never in this life did I think I'd have a chronic disease that would force by body to lose sensation and ability to walk, or feel like a Janelle Monae "dirty computer" reference. Because of relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis, I have two devices implanted throughout my body and more than ten significant symptoms to aid them. My urologist informed me the RRMS has doubled the size of my bladder, and the nerve damage to my brain has caused me to lose the ability to to feel when I need to go. 

The first device I use is a battery that assists in regulating the output of my urine. The device is implanted in my butt cheek and allows me to ensure I do not urinate myself, as I can monitor is with a computerized device. If I start to use the restroom on myself, I increase the settings of the controller, which triggers an uptick in my buttock region to "tighten up" and decrease my urine flow. 

The second device is a baclofen pump. Because I have been in a wheelchair, my legs were becoming spastic and painfully thrusting me out of the wheelchair. I was initially on an oral medication until I was taking too many to curb the spasms controlling my paralyzed legs. This caused my neurologist to order surgery. The pump on the left side of my abdomen is attached to a catheter tube, which helps direct the medicine directly to a specific area of my spinal cord called the intrathecal space. This allows the medicine to be delivered directly to my spine to help reduce the spasticity caused by MS. 

This disease is uncompromising. If MS were a person or a thing, I would label it diabolical. I have done a lot of fighting for my freedom. For my independence. I constantly find myself wrestling with this disease and wondering if I should keep fighting or give up. I used to walk, and now I am in a wheelchair because of severe nerve damage. I have a baclofen pump to control my endless spasms that knock me out of my wheelchair daily, and yet I am confined to my wheelchair because my legs have lapsed. I woke up from a nap one day with my left leg paralyzed. My leg was inoperable; doctors ran tests, not knowing what sickness or effects caused my legs to immediately stop working. 

This goes to say the effects of this disease will be crippling and demoralizing for some. The chronic pain, the leg spasms, depression, anxiety, an enlarged bladder (twice the size of a healthy individual's,) and many others. It takes mind or matter; I'm learning not to let this disease defeat me. To not be easily overwhelmed, but to react positively to overcome the illness that comes with this chronic disease. 

I choose to allow this disease to teach me to be a better student, friend, wife, and mother. I choose to allow my trials to form me into a blessing.